Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in MC JRo's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 29th, 2007
11:47 am	Polio dance-offs, 12hr overnight rooftop vigils and the TOWER OF MORAG… WHEEEEEEL-UP. Back in the ends, norrrrrrrmal. Woke up to Kit “I can’t pronounce my surname” Ahweyehvu guit-tripping me into going to lectures. She and Traci came round soon after to teef my breakfast consosting of plantain and hard dough bread (it was a lot). Lecture was standard. Linked with Toby in the eve to go buy a new pair of jeans. Next stop was collecting Paula, then we rolled onto Jake & Lydia’s @ Colling’s. Big nite, caught jokes with Taryn (“Your depression should be like the movie Speed. If you drop below are a certain level of happiness - you should blow up”) and was regaled with Dave’s injection stories (“Gypsies are really dirty…Do Gypsies carry rabies?”) Went back to Lydia’s where we caught jokes with Team Mardon (“We’re all borderline autistic”) upstairs in Aaron’s room (“You know it’s a good party, when people are upstairs adding friend’s the have met on Facebook DURING the party”) Tuesday had a badders session with Chisels. Then went with Tracie to buy a new mobile (“I swear when they hire people at Phones 4 u, it’s a basic requirement that they are utter spastics”) Afterwards we went Primark for a belt (“What’s the manliest female-belt that you have then?”) Big-up the woman who went beyond the call of duty when it came to finding me a belt. She was unstoppable. Watched some Gareth Merenghi at Chisel’s, where I managed to get a double Bailey‘s off Sarah. Went CU in the evening. Heavy as always. Afterwards mandem went down to the Impy. It was a lot. Got to known Phillipa better; she’s heavy. Went to seminar wed morning. Dr. Kendall divulged how he once tried to write “the great Cricket novel” when he was 10. It was a lot. Jason and I were a shambles (“The playing field has been levelled” - on receipt of worksheets we should have brought ourselves) Apparently I had Creative Writing in the noon, but instead I gave it aiiiiiiir and kotched at my yard. Normal. Went round to Paula’s to watch The Apprentice (“The white guy is properly hating being with the Asians, look at that screw face”) Then we rolled deep to Karis’ 21st @ Coolings. Met a girl from Croydon que bare ‘brrrrraps’. Met Jess for the first time - caught bare jokes (“Would you still think God had a sense of humour if your child was born with no bum hole?…well then”) As the party finished Toby and I tried to initiate a dance-off in the streets (“The key to winning is to make sure the other team all have polio”) Larks came round till 2. Standard fare. Thursday I played badminton with Tracie. Then I had lunch round Helen Inglesby’s who tried to poison me with her Trades Description Act violating ‘seedless’ grapes. Then we both went to the Prayer Meeting which was hench because Christ = HENCH. Went round to Tracie’s to watch Garth Marenghi eps. 3 - 6. ‘Dark Place’ is quality altho I kept falling asleep on Tracie‘s couch. Lizzie Laycock came round for dinner at 6.30. Was great to catch-up. Then spent the evening in, waiting for a phonecall from my mum. Which NEVER CAME. Friday went PrayEng in the noon. Everyone present and correct. Went costume shopping with Joeee @ 4. Managed to get a ride to Morag’s 21st from Welsh Ellen which was uber-safe. Morag’s 21st was the FUNNIEST SUSTAINED EVENT OF 2007, without a doubt. In essence, it started when Joeee and I went to her bedroom and christened it ‘The Tower of Morag’, then everything went medieval from there ( “The Microwave of Morag (the microwave), The Woman Who Sired The Mother Of Morag (her Gran)…etc etc She became the ‘Goddess of Nokia’ when she taught me how to lock my phone. Then I found a poo in the bath (“Why’s there poo stains in your bath? Go on - OWN UP!”) and then there was the ‘Crest of Morag’ which was a phallic shaped balloon with three “testiclii” BAAAAAAAAARE jokes went down, her housemates are jokers. Saturday Ollie, Chisels, Tilts, Luke and I went to Topsham (“What’s that smell?“) for my English piece. We played the ‘eddie Stobart’ game but with Black people. There were none (“The perfect retirement town for John then!”) Merked generally. Chilled at the quay for abit, watching a middle-aged couple attempting to dock there boat (“Not a Black deckhand in sight”) Ad-libbed on why frogs were better than ducks. Got back about 7, then Ollie, Luke and I went onto Joeee’s for a TEAM BRRRAP rooftop vigil. It was A LOT. Ate dinner up on the scaffolding, then we filmed Luke abseiling down into Emma Crane’s garden. It was sick. Then we did some high altitude peeing (under the cover of darkness), then there was some nudity and then we did some stuff we’re not proud of (haha!) Went round Larcombe’s where I got to do some DnB djing and we had a flash rave, then we got back to the roof with sleeping bags for the ‘TEAM BRRRAP Slumber Party’ (no girlz allowed cos they smell) Woke up at 6 to watch the sunrise. It was freezing. Then ambled home. EVERYT’ING BLESS xx Current Mood: Jokesed out (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 17th, 2007
9:37 am	Recording in Studio, Real live Indians and Incest ballads… “I actually ended a conversation with my Mum to get a hi-five from you Jonny” Saturday morning and afternoon, I was in the care of one Max “Soundbwoy” Baker-Hytch, who very kindly is helping me record my acoustic album. Was a SICK day filled with the Holy Spirit and Office quotes. Noontime, Aaron, Mike and I went into town for food and to drop off their bikes at Halfords. Some hustler got rinsed by the police for trying to sell fake Halford’s vouchers *kisses teeth*. Saw Rachel Long doing capoeira in town (“I see the heathen have got you now“), as well some of my African brethren out shopping. Bought a HUGE Victoria sponge at Sainsbury’s and saw my old housemate Sarah struggling with the self-service (“Max and I were just saying, that only a dishonest person would use self-service, and you’ve just confirmed that”) We walked back with her and Max had lunch round mine where I finally told him he looks like a “pothead”. He was not impressed. Went back to his for another session. Got home at 8 and bopped round Danny and John’s. Danny had a huge swastika on his chest (“I always suspected Danny, you were just a little too nice and libertarian - now I know”). He’s not actually a race-hater, they were going to a bad-taste party. Traci came round at 9 and we watched ‘Office Space’ (8/10) Next morning I went round to the Brethren Church. Donated my Victoria sponge for their lunch but forgot to mention I wouldn’t be attending. Silly. Played squash with my old housemate Sarah which was really fun. Got home, slept, then went St Leonards. Caught jokes with the post grads, especially Capoeira Rachel (“Yeah, I was gonna put money in the tambourine until I saw it was filled with rocks and I thought what the flip is this new-age currency”) We all spent the night rinsing Morrissey’s mother. Naturally I got the ball rolling with allusions to her being “old, sexless and shrivelled”, joee declared her a ‘chav’ when Morrissey declared her Mum was NOT old, then Pountain lenged it with “the apple never falls far from the tree”. Blessed. Tracie and I attempted to go to our afternoon lecture on Monday, got to Prince of Wales rd, then convinced her to turn back because “it was too windy” AHAHAHA. Cooked us lunch, then converted her to ‘Arrested Development’. Went to Christianity Explored with Ollie in the evening where Tom Pountain, Barnaby and I were bussin NUFF illicit jokes in front of Rev Goodbody: “I don’t think they let ‘coloureds’ into the police force” “You wouldn’t even pass the fitness test, they use disable-ists like you as tables to sign warrants on” “Can I be the self-hating police officer who calls the criminals ‘black bastards’” “Eggs are just Chicken periods” Encountered a wasteyout’ in Spar who I correctly identified as a criminal before I even entered the shop. Bun him, moved on. Spent the rest of the night at Morrissey’s drinking tea and watching ’Jack and Sarah’ (9/10) Got home and wrote a 1,000 words of creative writing in about 15 minutes. HEAVY. Played badminton on Tuesday morning with Andy “I get on better with girls who are attached” Larkin and Ollie. Then went off to the library to research 8th century Spanish ballads. Longage. CU that evening which was about foreign mission. Some elements were bare racist including the rather ill received quote that if we went to Globe Café we could meet “real live Indians, who would cook onion bhajis for us”. Spengs. However this led onto the GREATEST TEAM BRRRAP nite yet > Operation Duryard (Not Thomas Hall). This time, new recruit Charleeene got involved in the preliminary stages at around 1AM, before Joeee, Rave Girl, Lycra Robin and I went onto Duryard and (not) Thomas Hall to cause unprecedented levels of mayhem. Seriously. Team BRRRAP “breaking and entry” - it’s normal. A lot of “Your Mum”-ing went down (“I wish YOUR MUM would ‘Shut up‘), before I took it too far and Joeee THEN decided we ALL had to stop (I had been implying that I’d had intercourse with his Mum, so I allowed it) We flash raved, got naked, did a lot of filming. Then went back to Rave Girl’s for peanut butter and toast. Nice. Wednesday I had a personal meeting with the Hench. Was BARE over-familiar with him. Failed to go to DnD nite which was weak. Thursday I spent fours in Creative Writing crafting a ballad about incest with the refrain, “say ‘no’ to your sister even if she’s fit”. Normal. Went 1 o’clock Prayer meeting. Had dinner at Luke’s and basically spent the WHOLE evening between their and Morrissey’s. Friday, I played badminton with John and Theology Tom. On the way home, met Suzy Darling’s housemate Bernie (“Is your name Bernadice, you don’t really hear that name on this side of the 1950s” ) Apparently, she was going on about my cheekiness for the rest of the day. Missed my - inconveniently rescheduled - seminar but went to PrayEng. The group is a real blessing, and it’s been amazing to see how God had been wonderful and answered BARE of our prayers. Bawdy jokes went down when I saw Vix had written ‘Pissertation’ rather than ‘dissertation’ by mistake (“Disgusting, wait until Paul Webber hears about this, then we’ll see who’s a Contact worker next year”) Went to the MethAng play in the evening. Dave got BARE love, still. He did shower down the play tho. Afterwards we all went to Long Lounge for the Fair Trade acoustic nite. Ended up chatting to Clare Silver, Laura O’Brien and Fliss. Heavy nite. God bless - it's alot xx (Comment on this)
Monday, March 5th, 2007
12:42 pm	TEAM BRRRAP (Flash Raves and bed invasions), Spenserian monsters and Open Mic Nite… Monday 19th was standard. Had a rescheduled ‘D&P’ seminar in which we got to draw our own ‘Spenserian monster’. I merked with my 2 headed Henry VIII-Pope-Monster (“what are we all most afraid of, fat people and spiders”) drew it on the board whilst explaining how The Pope fed on people’s souls, whilst Henry VIII engorges himself on the high taxation of the poor. Toby bopped round at 4.30 and we went shopping for my new threads. Tobes gave me nuff jokes when he bought 28 apple muller rice - “It’s a day before the offer ends” Went to see ‘Hot Fuzz’ (5/10) in the evening. Got home and listened to So Solid’s first radio appearance in years. Sick. Played badminton Tuesday morning. Andy was back again with those shorts. Larkin came by at three to rehearse for our accapella. Went round to Jake’s at 4.30 to jam with him and Max. Then went of to St Luke’s for the Open Mic Mission. Met this jokes self-denying farmer girl called Hannah (“See the difference between us city-folk and you farmers is that when you lot say Dairy Cow, I think Sainsbury’s aisle 5”). At one point during the night, I don’t know how but I got onto why single mothers “should be sterilized” and how we generally should just “cull the poor”. Jokes. Andy and I lenged our slot with our accapella medley, and I got to play one of my songs. Standard. Afterwards we all went round Ellie’s (“Maybe they can’t hear the noise because you’re always talking!”) for pancakes and to make saucy sentences with her fridge magnets. Bare people came in an we all played mafia, with Toby getting lenged EVERYTIME in the first round. At about two, TEAM BRRRAP organically materialised in the form of Strong Arms, Young J’Ro, Lycra Robin, Joeee, Rave Girl and Ellie. We decided to Flash Rave Tilt mode (“I think I‘m having a hallucination” ), you’ve all seen it. Filmed some other jokes, went bed. Wednesday - NO LESSONS - was TEAM BRRRAP editing time with Luke. Then went on to the Hillsborough Girls’ house for another extended round of Green Wing. Dieuwke baked my name in biscuits and jokes were caught standardly. Wicked night. Thursday - NO LESSONS - I got out of bed for 1PM prayer meeting. It’s normal. Afterwards kotched at home til John came round for prayer triplet. John stayed for dinner - where he was subjected to jokes about how fit he is from Dangerous Dave - made him cook his own dinner, then wash up my plates. Went Luke’s AGAIN for more editing japes. Joeee came round and it was at about 11 o’clock we worked out our next TEAM BRRRAP attack; ‘Operation Unpleasant Awakening’. Went round John’s at 11.30 at got the front door key off his housemate Sarah, then the gang came round mine to prepare. Had a dry run at about 2AM on Tilt mode (“Getting naked, it’s normal” ) but it had to be aborted when I caught him in a compromising position i.e. awake and touching his nipples. We got John at about 3AM (“I‘m outside ChiselFace‘s, it‘s cold and I feel silly”), it was sick although his squeaky and heavy door thwarted us somewhat. Got home at 5AM. Friday, I had PrayEng at 2.30 (“Maybe you should have a different flavoured water for each day, make the headaches more fun!”). Caught jokes, it’s normal. The Sherv was away looking at graves - allow - so I was the only guy. Safe. John came round again in the afternoon. Then Dieuwke came round to harass me with her incessant high frequency whine. Then Ollie came round and we watched the old school series of ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. Hold tight Christ for blessing me over and over again xxx (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 25th, 2007
2:33 am	Herr Rochfort, disturbing neighbours and spiking drinks (hypothetically)... Saturday 10th February will go down in the annuls of history as one of the sickest, jokes-est evenings ever. After a routine afternoon spent watching Curb Your Enthusiasm and praying with Tilts and Rochfort, I received a text from Joee alerting me to a gathering at his creating the - now legendary - Herr Rochfort face book profile. FOR ONCE, I was not involved although I did help Luke spell ’Eugenics’. If you never got to see it, then your not even worthy of reading about it now - needless to say, I peed on Joe’s toilet floor with laughter (“I’m not clearing it up, allow it - I’m your guest”) and at one point I thought I’d had a stroke from catching too much jokes. All I‘m going to say is, “Where’s Goering when it hurts?” and one of Herr Rochfort’s current reading material was ’Mein Kampf: A Commentary’. Big up Chang Chang who - clearly having not read the profile properly - described John as “an inspiration”. Needless to say, the fallout over the next few days was too jokes… Sunday was standard, in that I missed Brethren Church (not proud) but went to St Leonards in the evening. Bare jokes, by this time we’d been rumbled by a perturbed Rochfort. Was good to see Kirsty (“Yeah I only came to say ‘hello’ to you cos I want a lift home”) back in the ends and got a ride in her car with The Toze (“If they say you’re rubbish at driving, Sam, tell them fi shuttup”) Got to Joee’s before he did and made myself comfortable on his couch, cue “HOW DID YOU GET HERE!?”. We all kotched for the rest of the night. Default movement, still. Kotched through Monday lectures. Normal. Luke came over in the evening for some cards cue some jokes converstion (“I’m trying to convince my parents I’m not a paedophile”) He was followed by Joee. Our embellishments to John’s profile were so hilarious that our next door neighbour Dr Margareta “Bond Villain” Jolly came round and asked for me to “vacate my room”. ABOUT. Locked into Logan Sama for my Grime fix then hit bed. Tuesday morn, played badders with Andy, Ollie and John. John and I couldn’t stop laughing at Andy’s - quite revealing - shorts (“Those are nice”) and the sweatband (“Andy, this is badminton, not rugby”). He takes the game a bit too seriously. Noontime I was flyer and propaganda men for STITCH. Just used it to socialise on a grand scale, standard (“You known EVERYONE Jonny”) Got into a fight with this wasteman in costume (“I fail to see how a man can dress up as a bear yet refuse to have a stamp on his hand. And he used ‘anachronism’ in the wrong context”) CU was killer - merked as usual. Got my - standard - mickey-take talk with my favourite postgrad Gillian, who has now got a second quote on the back of my debut novel > “You can’t go wrong with porridge” A group of us went back to Joee’s to watch ’Napoleon Dynamite’ (10/10) - sick nite. Wednesday I primed Toby for his Blind Date appearance @ DnB (“Say, after we get back home we‘ll put on some garage music and I promise WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK I‘ll get SO SOLID and last more than 21 SECONDS“). He didn’t win :( Went Charlotte’s bday @ Cooling’s. Drew girl’s numbers - it’s normal - but only as companions to ’Princess Ida’. Thursday was Creative Writing. Merked as usual - HOLD TIGHT CHRIST (Your time!) Went 1 o’clock prayer meeting and got my weekly walk back with Vix…as well as Larks. Thursday nite went to The Ram with Dave, Tracie and Sarah. Dave is on some next level of jokesness. Kotched with some mates doing flaming poi outside Chaplaincy Rooms then watched a film called ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’ (6.5/10) which was not as hot as imdb.com had led me to believe (“I fail to see how the little girl was an innocent when she poisoned her father…who’s care’s if he didn’t did, ’llow me to spike your drink with Rohypnol and then try telling the judge ’I’m innocent cos I didn’t kill her” Bare ranty. Friday at 12, Chris and I were interviewed by Rachel about student drinking - Tilts (anything and copiously), Me (Bailey’s) Bopped round Toby’s, got a trim and saw his Belmont talk. Boy’s gifted still. Went PrayEng - owned it like a 19th century wife. Then was requested @ Luke’s house to help him formulate some games for St Leonard’s weekend away (“True of False? Croydon is the London borough with the highest literacy rate - true”) . Larkin came round to practice our accapella medley and generally be a joker for about six hours. I rate him highly, the boy smacks it every time. Two shanks - it’s all blessed. xxxxx Current Mood: BLESSED (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 18th, 2007
1:26 am	Knife attacks, taking girl’s numbers (it’s normal) and djing with two hi-fis… Firstly, apart from bigging up Jesus Christ standardly, I HAVE to mention 'THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD' (2007). It was said by Joeee, "John asked me to come and help at Globe Cafe but I said I couldn't because I'm already WEBMASTER and I didn't want to become UNHUMBLE" AAAAAAAAAHAHAHSHFCAFHGDHGEWRGR!!!! Can't stop bussin' up, it's toooo much. No sendage, Joeee is tops but...SERIOUSLY! The Saturday of Andy C’s bday didn’t start off too well in that I got annihilated by Rochefort on the squash courts in the afternoon. In my defence, I have asthma and a heart murmur (altho that hasn’t prevented me from merking John at squash in the past) Standardly went to sleep but woke up when Larkin cam to collect me before Coon’s bday. The party was sick - I was mixing on two hi-fi’s for about 2 hours (“Big-bwoy selectah, yuh nuh si mi?!!!) - and I met some cool people there, including Nature Boy (“We need some kindling/ I’d marry Ray Mears”) Seriously tho, I was on the Djing t’ing. Sunday was sick. I went to Brethren Church in the morn, it’s normal. They had their legendary lunch in the afternoon, and Tiltmode came as a guest of mine. The meal was properly jokes as I inducted Liz Easterbrook and her bruv into ‘The Way Of The BRRRRRRAP’. Little Steve was getting a bit over-excited a brrrapping a little too haphazardly for my liking. An Elder - Tim - caused a prime ‘Brap Moment’ when he declared the Bible supported a gender hierarchy of “First God, then Man, then Women”. There was an uproar from the women and a peal of BRRRRAP-ing from the youngers. Nice. Went St Lens in the eve. Standard. Monday lectures were standard. In the eve I managed to stay the whole eve around the Hillsborough Girl’s house. We all caught much jokes watching Dieuwke try and cook a meat pie (“I don’t like meat cooked in that way”) Tuesday night at CU was murkery as usual (“Just taking girl’s numbers, it’s normal”) Rev Goodbody preached a corker that made some girls leave the room crying (it was about not dating non-Christians) - Well done Boss. Caught jokes with Gillian about my future career as a novelist, “From Shakespeare to Jonny is not a great leap”…afterwards missed out on a huge St Leonard gathering @ Luke’s and went and had Green Wing sesh @ the girl’s house (“Would you rather be told you have a ‘fat bum‘ or a ‘rubbish vagina’”) - no regrets, still. Got to meet Weird John, who they used to talk about when I used to live with them. He wasn’t that weird. Wednesday night, I went to Fit Jonathan’s leaving-do @ The Bowling Green after seeing Tracie (“Gimme Doom 3 or I‘ll batter you!!!…softly”) . Had a doubles pool tournament, Steve and I came second (“Notice how Tilts’ game improved after he came back from the toilets “) Rochfort nearly started a fight at the pool table. Heaviness. Walked back with Tilts and Ross (“I love sleeping, I actually LOVE sleeping”) THURSDAY WAS LEGENDARY. In Creative Writing, I got to read out my porridge story - props to Christ EVERYTIME. Tried to convince my work group to use my story idea of a Japanese girl coming to England in a cheese crate. Got proper air. Went to Laura Butcher’s first Prayer Meeting. It was wicked, she’s a really good appointment and it’s clear God has blessed her with the necessary skillz. Walked back with Vix and Fliss (“Hole-In-The-Shoe Crew, still”) Missed a STITCH meeting because it was raining and I’m a bit of a wasteman. Tracie came over for a Horror night with Dave, Rich and I. We watched Say (9/10) and some poor Japanese film about incestuous cannibal daughters called ‘Merebito’ (2/10) on which made Dave the astute observation that, “The Japanese are afraid of the clitoris”. Got a text from Luke and Joe at midnight detailing a knife attack that had happened to them at The Bowling Green. Linked with them, and we went and woke up Rochfort. We couldn’t go to sleep so ended up playing Tekken til 5. Stayed the night @ Rochfort’s - properly joking for ages (“I’m laughing so hard my feet are sweating”) about THAT quote - hold tight Webmaster Joeee! Woke up at 1 and John cooked me a fry-up. Walked to PrayEng in the rain with plastic bags round my feet having to explain to mans I saw on raod, “Cheaper than Ugg boots, tho!. Afterwards, went to the Vic to hang out with the boys in The Vic. Later on, Tilts and I went to Deputy Prime Minster Bex’s for dinner. Met her American mate Julia who was cool. Did a lot of rnb bopping to Cassie’s ‘Me & U’. Got a tissue from Suzie. Good times. HOLD TIGHT, for the next instalment where I detail the now NOTORIOUS ‘Herr Rochfort Facebook Project’ which was so jokes I - no lies, I promise - peed on the floor. Serious. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
2:51 am	Post-apocalyptic contraception, Afro-Carribean Soc and way too much clubbing... The week after Exam week was A-LOT. NO LONG TING. A lot of late nights and partying went down hence as I write this, I’m recovering from a mini-bout of flu. HOLD TIGHT, JESUS CHRIST my Saviour and Lord who’s ALWAYS doing ridiculously big things in my life, on a daily basis. Don’t get it twisted. Simon Brooksbank’s 90s theme house-party (“Where’s can I score some E?”) kicked off the week-long celebration with a retrospective bang. Went with Big Dave who managed to split his hand on glass and shower the dance area with blood towards the end. The music was SICK, I’d forgotten how got the nineties was for music. Raved it up with the St Leonards third year girls (“Do you ever stop bopping?S”) and was catching jokes from Rags chastening everyone’s dance moves with a stern “That’s not helpful”. The nite ended with Andy C, Big Dave and I meandering through the streets of Exeter rapping (Dave is murkers, altho it could have be the drink) and bemoaning the bitchiness of the Exeter Women’s Lacrosse Team. Next day I - FINALLY(!) -made it back to my Brethren Church in the morning. Went to St Leonards in the evening. It’s normal. I absolutely rate Jonathan Lee, the boy is a CERTIFIED JOKER. He kept on giving me beats during the servie and I had to use hymn books as body armour (“I come to church for sanctuary and I have to put up with this”) Afterwards Joe, Tilts and I went back to Rochefort’s to watch ‘World Wildest Police Chases’. Sheriff Jon Bunnell makes me crease every time with bare jokes commentary > “What could be going on in his criminal mind?”. I like to stick up for my criminal bredrins hence: JB: See how the criminal nonchalantly walks out the store, as if he is in no hurry Me: No, he might have polio and is robbing the store because George W. Bush has cut-back his MediCare Social commentary. Innit. Started new lectures on Monday (“Sparknotes.com, standard”); Desire & Power, and Creative Writing (Rochefort: That’s not a real subject!) after Chris Elson fixed my necklace in the morning. Elson is wicked, I seriously underestimated his safe-ness - Don’t get it twisted. Tracie came round in the evening to watch ‘28 Days Later’ (7.5/10) which led to some pretty crass soundbites e.g. “If it’s ‘necrophilia’ when you have sex with a dead person, what’s it called when a dead person rapes you?”/ “In a post-apocalyptic work, women have to make diaphragms out of HB pencils and a roll of cellotape” On the way to hers, I begged a police officer (in a Jamaican accent) to arrest some drunken women - you had to be there, still… Tuesday nite, went CU (2 shanks up, it’s normal) Then went back to Paula’s for a late dinner. Caught jokes with my second-favourite of-her-housemates Mandy who was very unappealingly covered in apricot scrub (“You look…nice. I bet you have a lot of dead cells.”) Afterwards Paula and I went to Salsa at Timepiece where we met up with my boy Toby and his housemates. Dutty nite. Wednesday morning I felt really blessed by God in that I got my favourite seminar teacher - Elliot Kendall -back for my D&P module. The seminar was a-lot, I got most of the class trying to figure out what the collective noun for ‘a nun’ was > I settled on, “a pack of nuns”. Wednesday nite, I bun down the Cavern at the DnB nite. T’was sick, but that’s normal. Went down with Traci, and linked with Chris L inside. There were a few characters in there (““That girl’s face is the definition of the word ‘grotesque’”) but I rate DnB crew, everyone knows me so it’s always BIG. Scared up some first year from St Leonards when I went over to say hello and he quickly tried to hide his cigarette from me - like I care fam. Thursday morning I had my first Creative Writing lecture. Came out uncharacteristically misogynist when I declared one of my literary creations “BARREN”, with an unsavoury relish. AFRO-CARRIBEAN SOC met - for the first time - at Amber Rooms on Thursday nite. IT WAS A LOT. The people there were A LOT. The vibe was A LOT. The conversations were A LOT. True-say, IT WAS A LOT - Yuh nuh si mi? Everyone there was oversafe, and I was genuinely disappointed that I hadn’t got to know them earlier in my time at Exeter. We all lenged down Timepiece afterwards like it was nothing. In fact, I’d say “IT’S NORMAL”. Friday morn, I rolled out of bed at midday to go to Andy Larkin’s last Prayer Meeting as acting Head. Then went to English Prayer group at The Sherv’s house. It was just the two of us this week. It was jokes (“Clearly our definitions of ’a thug’ differ greatly”) Went shopping afterwards, then had another Prayer meeting with John and Tiltmode. Count that - that’s three prayer meeting in one afternoon. A LOT CUZ. Afterwards went to the pub with the boys, before heading off to another DnB party. Loving God like it’s normal - BRAAAAAP! xxx Current Mood: BLESSED (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
1:17 am	Drum and Bass Workouts, Daniel Craig’s body (pt.2) and pirate versions of Connect-4... Okay, this last week has been A LOT cos of exams and whatnot so not much in the way of jokes and ‘nanigans. I’m becoming very self-conscious these days as more and more people are making me aware that they read these things (including friends’ Mums - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) If only there was some way to make money from this… Saturday was pretty standard in that I holed up and spent the day revising like a beast. Contrary to popular opinion English Lit. students have bare work to do, so please jam your “you only have six hours a week” talk when you see me. Things perked up about 9PM when Kit came round to revise and be liberally cussed (“What’s it like living with autism? Maybe God‘s punishing you for making jokes about Hepatitis sufferers”) It’s was great bonding with her although through no fault of my own she felt the need to call me, “a confrontational little sh*t” at one point. We gave up revising after two hours and ended up playing ‘pirate Connect 4’ (It’s called ’Four In A Row’!) with Big Dave. I got rinsed (“Shut up cos when I draw for the Scrabble, I’ll kill you”) and drink-raped Kit (“Oi, drink my squash or I’ll batter you”) Kit left about 3, then Tiltmode and I had an impromptu DnB rave downstairs with the lights off and some glow sticks. It was jokes, still. Sunday missed Brethren Church again - WACK. Went round to Chris Elson’s in the afternoon to get him to fix my necklace but he was out so I forlornly waited outside his house like a doughnut for about 20 minutes. Got home and did a bit more Shakespeare revision. Went to St Lens in the eve and was entertained watching Morrissey try and get out of her new - very rustly - coat during the service. Stayed at ‘Student Focus’ til dinner was served. Caught bare jokes with B-Man and Brooksbank who was wearing the most garish socks I’ve ever seen (“I bought them for my Christmas present”) Bust nuff socks joke with them (“What do your socks say about you, Simon’s say…”Free Love”, Barnaby’s say, “Vote Green” and mine say, “Black Power”. Safe”) then quickly escaped to do some final rev. Hold tight Rev Steve who thinks he can call me “Rosie” and get away with it - NEXT TIME… Monday morning I got to the exam on time. Courtesy of the Holy Spirit things went really well and it was all blessed. BIG UP CHRIST EVERYTIME. Walked home with Kit and Tracie singing Craig David songs and jammed with them for a couple hours. Played some more ‘pirate Connect-4’ with them and Tiltmode before going into loser-mode and playing PC games for the rest of the day. Tuesday Tom came round for lunch. I rate Tom highly he gives me nuff jokes and the way he goes ‘Oh saaafe’ to everything you say, is just priceless. He, Rich and I all had bacon, honey, cheese and ketchup sandwiches (“Sprite?…no thank you, I’m trying to keep my nitrates down”)before scoffing sweets Rich’s girlfriend had sent from America (“Ask your girlfriend does she have Doom 3”) Went round to Tracie’s in the evening to revise some Modernism. Kotched with her housemates in the kitchen firing quick asides (“Yeah, luckily for me, my poos are rarely soft”) and then watched ‘The Cosby Show’ which is QUALITY. Did some revision, then a drunken Jen and Rachel interrupted us (“Do girls have hairy bums?”) SPAFE. Wednesday I bun the Modernism exam thanks to Jesus Christ. Like the cool dude I am, I spent end-of-exam night playing RPGs on my computer. Hold tight my ‘RPG Mandem’ murking dragons and wizards like it’s the in t’ing. I’m on such an RPG hype right now it’s not right. Thursday night I awaited a phone-call from my Mum that never arrived cue me ringing up and getting boyed by my Dad: Me: Mum was supposed to ring me about you and her coming down to Exeter on Saturday Dad: Oh, well, she’s gone to sleep now Me: DAD! I was meant to be round my mate’s house now watching a Bond Film, I’m missing it now Dad: Oh cuss man, that’s shabby Verbatim. I got bun by my own father. Seckle. Legged it to Joeee’s where nuff of the boys were round to watch ‘Live and Let Die’ (10/10). That film is the best Bond film, don’t get it twisted. Baron Samedi is some proper ju-ju man shotta who makes me prang EVERYTIME. Also the badman with the claw for an appendage is GULLY. Caught jokes over the car scenes (“It’s quite funny that a dead man is still a better driver than an alive woman”) the crocodile sequence (“Crocodiles are such divas…oooooer why are you first? I did 3 years of RADA yet I’m only ‘Crocodile no. 4’ in the credits”) and the bit with the properly retarded Sheriff (“Another reason why the South is just wrong, is because they allow stroke victims to become law enforcement officers”). Afterwards we played an interactive James Bond DVD-board game, cue me professing my love for Daniel Craig (“I could lay on his chest in the sunlight for hours”) Friday morn I played social-badminton with Ollie. Saw Suz on the way back. She gave me proper jokes explaining why she walks so slowly to avoid getting home - (”To be fair, you’re parents house probably isn’t the place to accommodate the riotous night-life of a physics student”) - and doing work. Seriously, she walks sooooooo slowly. *Serious*. Went to the PrayEng social at the Impy. Chicken burger meal EVERYTIME. Standard. Had to play estate agent for the rest of the evening showing around prospect new tenants next year. Kotched for the rest of the night. Nice. Props to the Holy Spirit still doing it’s t’ing every time. BLESS. Current Mood: Blessed (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 18th, 2007
11:12 pm	Nuff parties, Shakespearean child-molesters and violating tenancy agreements... Monday evening I got back in bits at 17.30 GMT. Straight chilled for the night bar a quick meeting with the landlord - Paul “Skiing Holiday” Keeling. First CU back was hench. Sermon was by this guy who went to Oxford - TWICE. Cue bare ‘oooooh’s’ - hold tight my Oxbridge-reject mandem. Was sitting front and centre next to Larkin who was in prime heckling mode (“Old Testament, most of the CU don’t even know where that is”) Went Ram afterwards which was super-jokes. Met two new CU girls - Madeleine (“When you wear pearls as big as that, people are going to ask questions”) and Tato (who has great fashion sense but no idea who Shakespeare is J )- who are pretty safe. Explained to a bemused audience my views on using English literature as a rehabilitative medium in penal reform (“There is a Shakespeare inside of every child molester”) Saw a very drunk Ed gliding about who - very safely - bought me a Bailey’s (“We can’t have you without a drink Jonny, that’s just not right”) Dropped a quick freestyle for him a the bar then bopped home with Larkin in tow. Wednesday morning I overslept and missed my bible study with Larkin. Jammed for the rest of the day til 7.30 when Chris and I ambled down to the Firehouse for Danny’s 21st. Was great to see Kate, Fran, John, American Kate (who I somehow managed to get into a foreign exchange scheme with!) and (obviously) Danny. Met some new people as well, including Emma, Emily and the self-proclaimed “gatecrasher” Gee. Wicked nite. Saw Jonathan Hayward on the way back with his drunken friend Ollie, who was particularly enamoured with my verbosity (“We’re industrious young chaps”) Got home and started to prepare my costume for Dave’s party (“You’re not even ready for my costume, I’ll probably be violating my tenancy agreement when I wear it”) Thursday evening was hench. The dress-code was ‘things on a lawn’. I was a BUSH cue me having to get five bags (The man at the Co-Op asked if it was for a condom) of foliage under the cover of dark with Tiltmode. Then I got Tilts to postage tape it too my body whilst - aptly - playing Daniel Beddingfield‘s ‘I Gotta Get Thru This’ and B2K’s ‘Girlfriend’. You have to know my chat-up line of the night was “Hey baby, do you want to cross-pollinate?” MURKERY. The party was wicked - made a few inappropriate jokes about cystic fibrosis, played laptop DJ and met lots of new people. SEEN. Afterwards the party left to go Mambo’s, but I had to make a quick stop off elsewhere to see Jen who was down for the night. I rate Jen highly, she is safe as. Managed to somehow get to Mambo’s before everyone and commenced to dance the night away. STANDARD. Hold tight Joeee who managed to get a friction burn from being hugged by Dave. Friday morning I elected to miss my Renaissance seminar cue a phone-call from Kit (“Where am I? I’m in bed” ) Dave jokesed about in my room for a couple of hours on my internet. We were catching major jokes over our mutual friend Harold (a codename) Hauled myself to PrayEng although my legs were still hurting from dancing too much. Caught jokes there (“We should allow one History person to join PrayEng, like we should put a Golden ticket in a book in the History section in the library. I’ll be the Willy Wonka of Christianity”) then went home. Watched bare American Office then had my afternoon sleep FOR THE FIRST TIME. Later on, Timmy came over and we kotched in the sitting room freestyling about non-consensual intercourse (“That leaves a very bad taste in the mouth…as does rape”), wrestling moves (“Is ‘Rock Bottom’ a karma sutra position?”) and general fraff (“You just started telling us about how your friend has never been on a bus and then started talking about how his Mum got choked-slammed by the Rock”) Saturday was mildly epic in that I bopped round to Paula’s in the afternoon for a chat, and she ended up being my cook (“Make my bacon sandwich and GET OUT!”), Christian rant-listener (“It’s like God and I have agreed to meet up at a certain place. I get there, and am waiting there for three weeks, ringing him up going “Where you at?!” and he goes “Oh I haven‘t left my house yet“) and chauffeur (from her’s to Campus library to St Luke’s library to mine - illegal parking HOLLA!) Had a prayer meeting with John and Tiltmode, then we went off to Andy Larkin’s bday. A great time was had, although I left early with Emma Crane to go and have a poo (“I was a bit disappointed with that one, it was a bit soft, I really should have waited a few more days”) Went onto Joeee’s party which was SICK. Cue me bare raving with stobe lights like a joker. Caught nuff jokes with some girls there - especially Genny (my greatest fan for the night) We then all ran around Mount Pleasant area being silly (like climbing up lampposts and hiding in wheely-bins) kotched in the park for a bit. Got home at 3 in the morning, Paula arrived after work but was too drunk for us to go on a drive. Waste. Consequently, was too tired to go my Brethren Church in the morning….and St Leonard’s in the evening - went Firehouse with Tracie, Ollie, Dave and Rich instead. Bad Christian! *slaps own forehand* I’M BACK - HOLLA AT ME x Current Mood: BLESSED (Comment on this)
Monday, January 8th, 2007
9:43 pm	And now for something a little different... And now for something a little different… Rather than type up a month’s worth of ‘nanigans, I’m just going to give you the funniest quotes. Deal with it. “You see those two women, yeah, one word - soliciting” (Me on seeing two prostitutes on Old Tiverton Rd) “How does the flame know to grow when something’s near it?” (My pyromania obsession begins in the Old Firehouse) “A girl like her has no business wearing short-shorts with legs like that, she needs to be told” (Me on seeing a young lady exiting Arena) “the CU press release was basically: No comment. No comment. No Comment. I Love Jesus. No comment. I Love Jesus. No comment” (Summing up ECU’s interview with Expose) “Like when the witch melts in Wizard of Oz, all that will be left of Steve will be two pairs of brown shoes and a cream jumper” (watching Steve clean the floor with bleach and no protective gloves) “I wish that when they baptised him they didn’t lift him up again”`(My hate of a certain St Leonard’s wasteman resurfaces…am working on it) “I like the top. It accentuates her decolletage. So, A* for Rennee” (whilst watching ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’) “Is he just going to do her right there on the road, or take her into an alley like Jack the Ripper” (on watching the final scene of BJD) “Jonathan Lee has been in Exeter from before it was even called ‘Exeter’” (on Jonathan Lee, when will he leave?) “They go on like when St Leonard’s has closed the Rapture is about to happen” (Dave Beadle cussing St Leonard’s attendees) “In the beginning Ben couldn’t read ten word of The Bible before eating his tongue, but now he’s making television appearances. Isn’t God amazing!” (On Ben Martin’s recent appearance on the news) “Uncle Junior you met your girlfriend off Crimewatch didn’t you. You thought when the number came up, it was if you’d like to meet her, not if you have any information about her whereabouts” (Me on Uncle J’s latest squeeze) “You don’t even know my birthday and I’ve been your nephew for twenty years” (Admonishing Uncle Claude) “I’m not shopping there cos black people own it” (Great-Aunt Pearl’s closet racism finally comes out. Disclaimer: she is black) “I don’t care how many people you saw around me, it was a one man show” (Justifying my thespian skills after appearing in Mum’s nativity as a camel) “Humph was a camel with long legs, Humph was a camel with knobbly knees…” (My opening song as ‘Humph the Camel’) “For some reason Dad backed out of being Humph at the last minute. Now I see why.” (Upon reading Humph’s role in the Nativity) “Can you take some pictures of me on my own please?” (Mum hogging the limelight at my birthday photo-shoot) “We’ve been had” (Mum upon seeing cost of aforementioned photo-shoot) “Well slap him back then!” (Me teaching little Victoria how to sort her brother out. I‘ll be a great Dad. FACT.) “Never underestimate the deviousness of your Grandma” (Uncle J offers some sage advice) “Do you even know how to buy a fish?” (Me getting exposed as a beginner by Mr Tom the Tooting Market fishmonger) “I just go in and then get out as quickly as possible” (The Fosu summing up being a Law student at London Metropolitan University) “DEM NUH READY FI DEH BLOODCLAART WAR!!!!!!!!” (Wiling out Yardie style in the Magdala) “Your toes haunt me to this day” (to Debra, ever the gentleman) “YEEEE-HAW!!” (Uncle J whilst driving ‘responsibly’ in a residential area) “I can still see the tablecloth and it’s 4 o’clock. Next year, Mum’s cooking Christmas dinner” (Upon coming down to see Dad still hadn’t cooked anything) “Another child! Your Mum just pops them out like a conveyor belt” (On seeing Rebecca’s new baby brother at church) “Oh the indignity of being dead-armed by my own mother” (self-explanatory) “I had to de-sexualise the situation by asking to look up your nose” (On complementing Ellie’s nose piercing) “Were you laughing too hard?” (Mum on trying to ascertain why I pooed myself at school, age 4) “He’s such a sweetheart, he’d be ‘touched’ if you asked him out to the shops” (On Tiltmode) “I thought it was a lighting fixture” (On setting off Peilow’s panic alarm) “That salmon looks like a muddy field in Devon covered in prawns and cucumber” (The food critic in me comes out) “I have go to Morden, to do…karaoke” (Tim excusing himself from a jam session) “I don’t know any Jews?” (My cousin Richard, The Boy Multi-Culturalism Forgot) Proper blogging service will resume next week. I ain‘t no holla-back girl. J’Ro xx (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 9th, 2006
3:25 am	"Come off the badboy poses, I'll split your chest like it was the Red Sea and my knife was Moses" MC J'Ro @ The Cavern, Wednesday 6th. Shank Shank Bang Bang all day long. Firstly, nuff love for God getting me two 2:1s for my English essays. For the glory of God every time. BRAAAP! Seriously, the Holy Spirit has been bleesing me daily tho - 24/7 love for Jesus... Last Monday was quality as PrayEng had a meal down at the Impy. The Sherv gives me bare jokes tho (“Jonny when I was saying there was a ‘big dog’ in town I wasn’t being a gangsta - there really was a huge dog in Queen street and I was warning you”) The PrayEng Crew are absolutely lovely. Caught jokes with Kerri after going on about how great London was then saying, “so tell me about Barnstaple” Walked Elizabeth home and had a wicked conversation with her, she is quality - a real women of Christ. Made it down to Beth’s Party @ The Verve so late that it had finished and everyone was reaching Arena (“Talk about a late entrance”) Jammed with Jacob’s band for a bit and then helped Sam Rich cart some equipment back to his. Good times. Tuesday morn I had to turn up to some waste rescheduled seminar (“You dragged me from Worms World Party, fro this!!?”) Afterwards had anther productive bible study with B-Man (“Look man, it‘s not an issue if God‘s racist - really - but he‘s not really pro-racial miscegenation is he?”). Was getting aired by his housemate John whilst we had lunch so I had to say, “I’m not being rude, yeah, but are you autistic?” MURKERY. Had the 6 Oxford Crew around for dinner which was amazing. Claire and I were bussin’ nuff jokes (“You should do stand-up Jonny and I could be your warm-up act”) about people with one leg and shiznay. We all ate a bumload of pizza and settled down to watch ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Out’ (10/10) Wednesday DnB night at the Cavern was PURE MERKAGE. I had a 15 minute long MC battle against MC Dylexic which was pure GUTTER VIBES . Merked him standard and mandem was getting hype. When I touch mic, I go in to DEVILISH-COCKBACK-YARDIE-GUNMAN mode, it is majorly pranging for people who don‘t understand Grime. Brought Tilts down and he was appalled a the lyrical shanking (“How do you do that?, that was amazing”) Jammed with a lot of the CompuSki crew who are safe like money in banks, innit. MC Si did a sick flairing display as well to top off the night. I hibernated like a social recluse from Thursday to Sunday, just doing my two essays - missed both Paula and Josie‘s parties (annoying). I have to holla at Jesus tho every time, for getting me through those marathon sessions til 7AM (“Just taking some hits of the Holy Spirit juice”) Made it out PrayEng on Fri tho - after having overslept til 2.30 in the afternoon. Also had a really good prayer meeting on Fri eve. So big-up God every time… Sunday was amazing. I invited Tiltmode to Christmas dinner at my Brethren Church. They are fantastic people, and it’s so easy to see the love of God in them. Ron was back and he was cracking nuff dodgy jokes. I had to keep him in check. Caught nuff inadvertent jokes from the fact the cracker jokes had ‘STD’ printed at the top of them. Monday was BLESSED. Handed in my essays - bit of a rigmarole regarding that. Jammed with Toby for a bit, then we went round to my old housemates (“Yeah I‘m only coming here for the food, not…conversation“). Carol Service was quality, was right at the front making a scene (“If Jesus comes, yeah, I’ll be closest innit. I can just rush him and hug him up.”) Saw ex-President Fielder and his new wife, he’s now a salesman (“So in the event that I become ECU President, all I’ve got to look forward to post-university is a job as a window salesman…great”) Afterwards Daz and his mate Chris came back to mine for tea. Daz is the man, loves his DnB bare. Went round Naomi’s after to watch ’Napoleon Dynamite’ (10/10) and eat lots of ice-cream. Peilow was there as well cracking nuff inappropriate joke. Tuesday night, had a big ‘Layer Cake’ Night - I‘m on a big Daniel Craig hype these days, but the film was WACK (3/10). Tiltmode invited our neighbours round called Danny and John. They are so cool. Both are really into trade justice and green issues, and Danny educated me about the exploitation of Nestle in Africa. Bun dem rastclaat every time now. Boycott their products please. Wed went round to Naomi’s for her leaving do, stumbled in on a RTSF prayer meeting. All I have to say is that they have much better food than we have at PrayEng (“I’ll stay until the cake runs out”) Was really nice reminiscing with Naomi. Arrived late at PrayEng, then walked into town with Elizabeth and Quiet Lucy. Met up with Traci and Jenni for dinner @ Walkabout, then went to St Goerge’s for dessert. Saw bare Christian peeps there, cue me apologising for standing close to the gambling machines and trying to deny I go to bars in general. Wasteage. Dropped by Toby’s v quickly to use the toilet - disappointed a lot of ladies (innit) To be continued... Current Mood: blessed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
2:58 pm	Daniel Craig’s Abs, Postering Sex Shops and Lemmy-ing for the first time… Always reppin’ Christ, never get it twisted… Monday nite, the St Leonards Boyz went to see Casino Royale (9/10) at the Odeon (“He‘s not my favourite actor of all time, my favourite actor…is Mr Sidney Poiteir“). The film was hench, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ‘Daniel Craig’s abs are too much’. The man is buff in the abdominal region and puts my padded frame to shame. Eva Green is hot as well. Classy. I must say tho, censorship standards have declined rapidly since the 80s. In ‘Lethal Weapon’ a nail-gunning to the head warranted it an 18 certificate, in 2006 James Bond can do that and still be a 12A. Disgusting. Walked Ellie home, then went on to J-Lee’s 27th, where everyone was watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Out (10/10). Stayed up catching MAJOR unprintable jokes with J-Lee (“What do you do to relax? I like socialising…”) til 1.30AM. Sick. Tuesday, bible study with Barnaby. Wicked as always. Judges is a quality book, bare incest and merkage. Modernism lecture at 4 (“I just use this time to read the book” ). Study Group ended prematurely when this one girl got so excited at doing Allen Ginsberg that she offered to do our whole presentation for us. Thank you God, SERIOUS. CU was jokes on Tuesday (“We need the nerds”), it was Andy Ascot from NFI and he did pace about like a stand-up. The walk back was jokes (“Students Guild, doesn’t even have an apostrophe. So basically, it’s just two random words next to each other. It might as well say ‘Apples Guild’. We’re basically as important to the guild as apples…well I feel appreciated”) with the two Claire’s (“ You’re the antichrist, alrite you can be the ‘anti’ and Chris is the ‘Christ’, then you merge, causing trouble to public lighting everywhere”), Chris (“That‘s the least encouraging thing I‘ve ever heard anyone say!“), Quiet Lucy and Michelle (“Do you like reading Jonny?”) Seriously, I was bussin’ up every time, everyone was too jokes (“Chris would sleep through judgement Day, The new Heaven would arrive on Earth, Chris will go outside probably not even notice God chilling in the sky and then go back to bed”) Innit. Went shopping Wednesday morning and saw Stacey (“You’d only ever buy brown bread if you had a fibre problem. Do you have fibre problem Stacey?”) Chris and I went shop-postering for the Carol Service - the HOLY SPIRIT WAS MOVING- brrrrrap. We were so blessed by the Lord, everyone was so safe and gracious and put up our posters. We even got one in Athena, the Hog’s Head and Reform Records. I wanted to go hit the Sex Shop but Chris was like ‘nah’ (“I think we are missing out on a niche market. We need to evangelize to the perverts”) We also jammed in this little left-wing ’Peace Shop’ for a bit, run by these two old people. They were so safe and humble. Tiltmode and I had some great prayer time and thanksgiving after. GOD IS GREAT. Get to know… Thursday was a major kotch, then Traci, John and Jenni came over to watch some Family Guy in the evening. Friday, Dr Pascale Aebischer wasn’t in and I had great larks telling everyone who came in late, “She’s had her baby…it’s half-goblin, half-foetus, that’s what happens when you procreate with a feminist, even the baby wants to get out”. PrayEng was wicked as always. I LOVE GOD he is wicked. Had another prayer meeting with the mandem at home, t’was good. Saturday night I went first to Sarah Collin’s 21st @ Walkabout (“Let’s take lots of pictures of ourselves in lots if different places so she thinks we were here for long”) then skidaddled with Toby to the Lemmy for Matt’s b-day. I quite rated the Lemmy, Holland Hall CU crew were there as well as Richy’s crew and Paula’s crew. A good night. Sunday morning I went to my Brethren Church (STANDARD) Had a lovely time, they are the greatest people. After the service, we just kotched and sang hymns jokesely. Had a great chat with Tim, who presented me with a gold-leaf ‘Gideons’ bible from him and his wife. Went St Leonards in the evening, then went back with the crew to watch ‘American Office’, which is JOKES and also the Ali vs. George Foreman ‘Rumble in the Jungle’ match. Heavy night. Current Mood: Blessed (Comment on this)
Monday, November 20th, 2006
2:23 am	Fran’s 21st , Illegal Midnight Driving Lessons and preparing for God with GPS tracking… And God’s blessings continue…. Monday night was cool as it Fran’s 21st @ Firehouse (“Cos parties are EFFORT!”) Caught wicked jokes with Girl-With-The-Diamond-In-Her-Tooth and John Stevens. Complemented this girl about her voice: “Can I just say, I really like your voice, even though it’s kind of too deep for a girl, I think it suits you” That went down well. Met some cool people tho, you know how it is, one phat blessing. Saw Pat and Jez (“Everyone I know, says they know you”) after what has been a year, I was so happy. Gonna link with Jez for some dnb shenanigans. Didn’t go to bed until 6.30 the next morning… …cue me getting up 20 minutes late for my 12 o’clock with B-Man. I love B-Man he is so safe and one of the few older Christian boys who doesn’t get on my nerves. We had a wicked kick-back and chat and are intending to start looking at Judges’s next week. Ro was round as well although she left without saying goodbye (“Your relationship is on the rocks mate”) B-Man cooked lunch, then Gilbo came in (“GILBS!!!! See that’s the kind of greeting he deserves”) he was bare miffed. Skipped my Modernism lecture, went to bed, woke up at 7.30 and went to CU. STANDARD. I live for the conversation afterwards; Laura d (“Gimme back my hoodie!”), Lucy Phillips and my main man Timmy (“Tell her to ‘Shut Up”). Afterwards we went to the Ram, where Viking John was serving and - straight blessings - he bought me a double Bailey’s like it was nothing. SERIOUS. GOD IS TOO MUCH. Chilled round Paula’s for a bit, then we went for a midnight (illegal) driving lesson in a car park. Wednesday I linked up with Matt R in the morning to be interviewed for his geography project. Then kotched round Traci and Jenny’s, before dropping by Toby’s to get some DVDs. Standard. Saw Dr. Dray in Iceland which was wicked cos I hadn’t seen her for TIME blud. Eveningtime, Jonathan came over. He is safe-as. Found out he sings in chapel choir and plays guitar. We had a song-off, his covers vs. my tunes - I won. Bare jokes were had tho. JoeeE, Rochefort (“We could use your feet as a biological weapon“) and Luke (“Wouldn’t it be better if the army invested in loafers, by the time you’ve tied those up, the Taliban will have merked you”) came round also. Had a cook-out and watched ‘Con-Air’ (10/10) which is A LOT. Skipped my seminar Thursday morning and had a South Park marathon instead. Linked with JoeeE in the evening and went with Tilts to see Noel Edmunds turn on the lights. It was waste, couldn’t even see him and only 4/6 lights turned on. JOKES. Whitey was on form tho, hugging up young boys and going “aaaaah, paedophilia”. Went Starbucks (“seriously I refuse to pee in those toilets man, allow it, I’m going home”), then we went on to Arena which was pretty good. Some good tuneage in the form of ‘Rythmn is a Dancer’ (for the funky house mandem) and ‘Can’t touch this’ (got my moves on - SECCCCCKLE!) Got a shout-out for the St Leonards Crew; Laura D (“WHERE’S MY HOODY FOOL!!!? Only joking…”) and Laura Hones were reppin’ in the hiznay too. Friday was over-heavy, got to my seminar late. Found out we were having a practice exam. Merked it. Saw Norman on road, then Emily and Charlotte came back to my house, and we had a really good gospel conversation. Went PrayEng with Charlotte (“We already pray for Elliot thank you very much!”) where The Sherv was bussin’ jokes as usual (“Walking backwards doesn’t actually make you go back in time”). Tilt’s sister, Katherine, came down in the eve and we went over to Paula’s to watch ‘High School Musical’ (4/10) (“It’s not a jungle, it’s like 20 potted plants”) Afterwards went on a LEGENDARY drive (soundtrack: Craig David) with Paula, Tilts, Katherine and Toby to Exmouth Beach. We stopped off at 24hr Tesco’s for japes and Christmas carol whistling. We got to Exmouth at about 1AM and it was very cold. <<< that was some basic prose. Felt ill cos I’d eaten a whole chunk of minty fudge eatlier. SECKLE. Saturday I read Ben Jonson’s ‘Epicene’ before Toby came round to cut my hair. Was a very sociable ketch as he did Tilt’s hair too, and Katherine was watching us. Ordered out a pizza (“The more you think about, there not really ‘offers’ so much as little bits of paper taunting you”) then went on to President Harding’s Pyjama Party. It’s properly jokes seeing the President of CU vibing to ‘Smack My Bitch Up’. Sunday morn was SICK. The Sherv and The Stick got baptised @ Belmont in the morning, as well as some close friends became members. Katherine went home about 4 - peace & quiet - u get me?. Church in the evening was good; It was Tiltmode’s testimony, questions provided by me - BARE JOKES (“Would you rather stop your internation career as a funky house do, or stop doing your voluntary work for UKIP”) Seriously nuff man were bussin’ up. spoke at length with Jack which was cool. JoeeE was well lairy during bible study (“He’s got an answer foe everything this one!”) Jokes bible study: Tilts: how shud we prepare for the coming of the Lord? Me: GPS tracking…(adopts weather man voice) God is brewing up a gale force 5, 10 miles away Tilts: I’ll take that on board Me: Quite literally, on-board GPS Sat-Nav, innit. The Holy Spirit is HENCH. Current Mood: BLESSED (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
2:21 am	Cooling's, drug-dealers and getting caught by campus security... Since ECU’s Freedom Week, last week, have been on a standard Holy Spirit hype - seriously, it’s all bless. DISCLAIMER: Excuse lack of jokes quotations this time. I was merkin on the jokes front but I’ve forgotten BARE of them STILL. Monday night Emma Crane’s bday went down at Cooling’s. She got bare drunk (it didn’t help that I was shouting “drink this or I’ll batter you” really loudly) even tho I warned her she might get raped…by someone at her party. Lots of nice people were there, got free drinks i.e. water and cordial from Nikki who works there. Only bummer was Toby lost his earring. Got to sit on the back of Andy C’s bike and do drive-by’s down Queen Street on the way home - I was very happy. Tuesday nite I went for dinner round the girl’s house at Hillsborough road. Have basically struck an informal deal with them, whereby they feed me twice a week in return for conversation and verbal abuse. Holla. Went CU (standard), kotched at the Union Rd crew’s house, cue catching BARE jokes with Bex Mark’s. Met up with Emily Jenkin’s on Wednesday morning for a STITCH interview which went well. Then dropped by my mate L---- who told me he had given up drug-dealing for good and was trying to look for gainful employment. I was over-happy. Straight blessings still. Stopped short of saying ‘I would pray for him and his job’ - leave that til next time. Had a prayer meeting with john and Tiltmode in the evening. Nuff bbbraaaps for God. Standard. Had to wake up 6.30 the next day for Men’s Breakfast at St Lens which was a bit gay. Met this old boy named Rodney who gave me bare jokes especially when I asked him ‘Did his Mum like ‘Only Fools and Horses’ and he just aired me (he’s about 75, so obviously the answer was no) He just wouldn’t stop chatting fraff - he barged into this conversation I was having about ceiling joyces and started talking complete sh*t (“What you’ve got to understand is that they test it in wind tunnels at speeds of up to 90mph, then they punch holes in it….”) WTF?!!! Ploughed into my seminar and then had Round 2 of squash with Bianca, battle was SOUTH LONDON vs. SOUTH AFRICA. I merked, beating her 5 games to 4, she is killer tho. Saw Borat (8/10), was over-jokes. Best scenes were I) the Running of the Jew (“look Mrs Jew is laying a Jew-Egg”) and ii) when he spends the night at an elderly Jewish couple’s house (cue night-cam of him under the covers with a crucifix and clutching money) Friday was tight cos I was catching jokes in my seminar (“Was it a test-tube baby Rosie? was it fit? if your child was ugly would you still love it? cos, not being rude, yeah, but I couldn’t…I’d sell it, no lies) Also found our resident mature student is a cannabis dealer which gave me more jokes. PrayEng was hench cos we had three new peeps. Got to know kit better as well, even tho she chucked my ghetto-squash down the sink (“WHAT R U DOING BLUUUD, R U MAD, THAT’S THE GOOD STUFF!”) Went to Unite at the Catholic Chaplaincy with Chris at 1.30 in the morning and found out everyone had gone home. Ended up chatting to Adrian (“I’m gonna get a doctorate form Oxford, so I’m like Jonny Rose Dphil. Oxon. And after all that I’m gonna go work McDonald’s, but have Dr. Rose on my badge - my parents will be pleased”) til 5.30 tho so it wasn’t wasted. Walked home, jacked a sign (“You’re an accessory to the crime Tilts, because you could have stopped me but you didn‘t, got caught by campus security, put it back. Jonny Rose - a not so Smooth Criminal. Saturday I watched ‘The Devil’s Rejects’ (5/10) then Chris and I went round to the Hillsborough massive to watch ‘V for Vendetta’ (“It’s Stephen Fry, they can’t have killed him of so soon…it’s STEPHEN FRY!”) and ‘The Weather Man’ (9/10) Diuewke and Sarah were there, as well as there housemates Ave and Robin. We had a really good chat into the night. Sunday went St Len’s. Reppin’ still. Afterwards we went to Morrissey’s house (“This place smells like ladies genitalia”) to watch World’s Wildest Police Video’s. A good night fo’ sho’. Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
6:43 pm	"Don't mess with these people, they invented gunpowder" - I love going out for a Chinese. The whole of this week I was just trying (and failing) to get back my regular sleep pattern. I swear I’m also on some next level of comfort-eating too. ‘llow it. Monday I just spent the day swaddled in bedclothes and duvets popping Strepsils like some next crack-fiend. Seriously, I was in a bad way from Saturday nite's epic dnb marathon and I was praying to God that I would be alrite for acoustic night, the next day. I had to step out for one lecture which was jokes cos I saw Jason on the way to Queen’s (“Our forefathers did not die for us so that we might be cowered by on-coming traffic Jason, on-ward march”) Went round for dinner at Liz’s (“I bought it for £6 from Pound-land”), t’was good to see her again. Her housemate Tastycakes is more of a joker than I had realised. Tues followed much the same trend. Inactive. BARE strepsils and lemsip. Had some jokes conversation with Rich who was ill also (“So you quite literally caught an internet virus”) But I was better by the evening which was wicked cos I got to perform - last - at the ECU acoustic night. It was received very well which was good because I’d been hyping myself like a conceited derrrkhead (“I will knock your socks off”) from the week before (“As small as you look to me from the stage, is how I see you now socially. I’m a rock star.”) Was on a hype for the rest of the night which meant a sketchy car journey back filled with me shouting “BRAAAAAAAAAAP” over and over again. Result; relapse the next day. Wed I had to cancel my illegal driving lesson with Paula. Went out with Traci, Jenni and Phil to Peking City for Traci’s 21st (“Don’t mess with them, these are the people who invented gunpowder”) The conversation was live as always (“On my wedding night, I’m going to let my wife know I eat my snot, seriously, when the lights are out post-sex and we‘re basking in each other‘s arms, I‘ll be like…Honey, I eat my snot you know”) Even dropped a killa when Traci threatened to stab a waiter (“Then it would really be Murder on the Orient”)We went onto the Firehouse where I tried to help Anna with an article for her German newspaper ("Naziism, Good or Bad - you decide") Walked into Toby's house at 2AM - he was in - and watched Snatch (10/10) Thursday was only noteworthy because I had an EPIC 7 game squash fixture with Bianca in which she won 4/7 games. Cue excuses - I’m asthmatic, I’m ill…blah blah DEADOUT! Friday I had PrayEng which was standard good (Hold tight Jesus Christ every time). Eveningtime, I got to meet Andy Larkin’s older brother who apart from having some suspect racial views (“I take the view of Chris Rock; There’s black people and there niggers…) is pretty cool. We had a prayer meeting at The Vic with Toby and some other chaps. I’m so amazed how my Fri prayer meeting started off as 3 people but is now 7 men strong (“It‘s not like we don‘t encourage girls to come, it‘s just if a girl asks to come, I say ‘No”). Went round to Peilow’s after for dinner and to watch ‘Irreversible’ (8/10) which has some sketchy 12 minute rape scene. Left his house: - Peilow: Don’t go down any underpasses Me: I’ll do the raping around here thank you very much Saturday night was Rich’s mates house party. Bare AU derrrkheads were there so conversation revolved over and over about how cool hockey is. Not. Rich (in full Church of England robes) was buzzing so I just shouted at him for time, WHERE’S THE BACON RICH?!!! Left at 2.30 because there was no bacon. Sunday I went to my Brethren church (holla). I love those guys. I love the Brethren. I love Christ. Brrrrrrap. Went St Leonard’s in the evening (standardly) Caught jokes with the crew (“You made your choice, accept it, java-script and being a preacher don’t go together”) Got home and watched South Park to 5Am - productive life. Current Mood: Blessed (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
10:01 pm	“I know the gunmen in my postcode, snort two lines and they go into devilish mode” - Young J’Ro (MC- Monday night went to see ‘Black Joy’ (8/10) @ The Lemmy (reppin’ Black History Month hard) Floella Benjamin gave a talk afterwards and I swear this next grown woman broke down in tears after hugging her. Lame. Went round to Larkin’s afterwards (“He‘s never going to leave, whether he becomes Chancellor or a lunch lady, Jonathan Lee will never leave Exeter”) . The Larkin is a premium joker - he showed me ’modelling’ photos he’d conned his housemate into doing. Tuesday was pranging as I had to interview Hannah Ashwell down @ The Firehouse. Like, a proper grown Phd published student. She was very nice and we had an informal chat about environmental conservation, her work and Goebbel’s wife. No comedy, straight business. Arrived late at CU, but in time to here a corker from Rev. Good body (St Leonards holla) Afterwards went to the Ram and then got a pizza with Tilts and Larkin. Went round to Toby’s and tormented his housemate Nikki (“You Greeks have it hard, yellow skin and hairy upper-lips”) before settling down for Lethal Weapon 3 (8/10) Drum & Bass nite @ Amber Rooms heralded the return of MC J’Ro. All I had to do was shout ‘Boy better know, it’s young J’Ro - clack clack GUNSHOT!!’ and bare man started pranging. Got mobbed by some dislocated South Londoners afterwards. No lies, MC Dyslexic who was on after me fluffed his lines because he knew he couldn’t beat my precedent. The nite was standard but stuff hotted up about 1.30 when DJ Alex R destroyed the set. Was just vibing with my main man Ed the Greek (“Jonny your mc-ing is horrendously impressive”) and some next brairs as well. Had a good talk with Ed’s mate Ali about her relationship with God. Generally was buzzing the whole nite, especially after coming straight from a wicked serrmon by Rob @ NOOMA. Thursday I had a corker of a Modernism lecture in which I managed to link Virginia Woolf to ‘phallogocentricism’ and ‘dialectic dichotomies’ in one fell swoop. BRRRRAP!! Afterwards went and got some chips for lunch and called in on Paula (“I just want you to take a photo of me, don’t care what I’m doing, camera…me”) who owed me a driving lesson but was playing the sick card. Went home, slept then was forced to go to the Ram with Rich (“Why’d you make us come all the way to the Ram, Jonny?“)and Tom (“I was bare just pranging bare but it was nuffin”) Then Rich and I had dinner @ the Union Rd Crew’s house (“I wondered if ugly people are only attracted to other ugly people”/ “Statutory rape…is that when you rape statues”) Watched Question time cue bare un-PC jokes about veiled Muslim women (“She looks like a pint of Guiness with eyes”) Friday, I had a quality seminar in that I didn’t have to do anything. My seminar group are quality, including Kit who cannot pronounce her Nigerian surname (“What are you gonna do if you marry another African or a Greek, then have to get a double-barrelled. You’re gonna have some looooooong name-tag”) Went PrayEng with Charlotte afterwards. Friday nite, Toby came round for a DEEP Prayer meeting and to slew waste-Christian (“I’m not being rude, but I don’t want to see him in Heaven. I would actually die on purpose just to get to Heaven before him, and then tell God not to let him in”) Then Styles P and Roach came round and we watched ‘High Fidelity’ (8/10) Saturday was EPIC. Had a good game of squuuashh with Jon and Theology Tom (drew 5-9, 9-2,5-9,9-6) Went out to have a curry with the boys at the Taj Mahal (“I’ve just paid 220p for watered down coke…oh look, now I‘m doing it again”) We went back to Mike’s for a bit. Got home at 1. Went to a house-party on my road very briefly with Big Dave to introduce ourselves to the tenants. Saw a boy called Jack from St Leonard’s and plugged PrayEng over some rubbish trance. Then went to the legendary 45 Union Rd party. An ALL-NIGHT D’n’B RAVE which didn’t finish until 8.30 the next morning (“I can‘t believe I‘m not tired!”). The ingredients of this night were - lots and lots of ‘substances’ (no details) + Ray Mears + continuous DnB beats + evangelising + drunkeness + good conversation + lots of peeing. Never let the side down once, no drugs, no alcohol , bare admission of my faith. Hold tight Beats & Bass, it was hench, plus I got to MC again, but this time at 7AM (holla). Current Mood: lazy (Comment on this)
Monday, October 16th, 2006
6:45 pm	Short-sighted rapist, bare illicit epilepsy jokes and tug of war with a dildo... A fairly pedestrian Monday for the most part. I had my first ‘Shakespeare and Renaissance Comedy’ lecture by a fantastic woman called Patrick (read: Pascal) a very handsome lady who has set the benchmark for all future lectures (“My respect for her is purely professional, after all, she has already been impregnated by the seed of another man”) Got home and made my housemates re-enact a bit of ‘Measure for Measure’ (“I feel like an idiot“). Played my first squash game of the year with John and Theology Tom. Absolutely murkelated winning 5 games in a row (“Ace in the hole!”) Slept, then had a Peep Show Series 3 marathon with Traci and Tilts in the evening. Popped out at midnight to get some peanut butter from the Co-Op, but was accosted by Lynsey ‘Roll-Deep-Came-To-My-Birfday’ Eames who dragged me into some random house where I met Ada and Enlaura (“I am acutely aware that all the black people in Exeter are all in the same spot tonight…respect!”) She then forced me to walk her home, where I was rewarded with Bailey’s and Goodfella’s (9/10) Tuesday, had a Modernism lecture. Made the first point and got nuff recognition and respect from the lecturer. Went CU in the evening where I found out I was on the Prayer Team and “would be personally dispatched by Andy Larkin if anyone needed prayer at anytime of the day or night”. Wicked. Wednesday, walked into town to get a McChicken sandwich. Realised I didn’t have enough money. Walked back. Had a Peep Show Series 2 (“The secret ingredient is crime!”) marathon with Richie Rich, before spending the afternoon at Peilow’s. Went to NOOMA in the evening with Chris (“I‘m not very observant“) and met Mandy (“So why are you dressed like a tramp Jonny?”) on the way. NOOMA is quality. Afterwards we walked home with Claire and Joel (“Don’t go down there Joel, you look like a woman and you might get violated by a short-sighted rapist”) Got home and knuckled down to some Modernist reading. Thursday morning began at the unsightly hour of 6.30, Tilts and I trekked to St Lens (holla) for ‘Men’s Brekkie’. Had my first Modernism 1.1 lecture which was wicked (“I apologize in advance ladies, I am not very well deodorized and we‘re here for the long haul), am taught by this guy who looks like a PE teacher and I have a lot of my seminar crew from last year. Thursday nite, went to the Impy with the NOOMA crew then we went to the Firehouse to see Jules (“Jules TAKE OFF YOUR VEST!!! Brrrap!) and Jack (“the seven stages of egotism, pride ‘we did a good set‘…) do an acoustic set. Also popped down to Velvet Lounge for a drum & bass social (+ cheap Bailey’s). Got a lift home from Hannah, cue early morning djembe-malarkey. Friday had Shakespeare & Ren. Comedy lecture with the lovely Pascal. Josh gave me jokes when he asked her did she rest beers on her pregnant stomach. Five Christian girls in my class which is very very nice. Went to PrayEng afterwards where The Shervinator regaled us with how he reads plays aloud to himself at night, cue me getting jokes (“do you do different voices Dave? Do you have a half-hour pause for the interval and just sit there in the dark quietly”) Visited Diuewke who made me lunch (“If I get e-coli I’m going to come back here and throw up so you, too, suffer the consequences”) and had a long chat - I’d forgotten how un-PC she is (“Do the poor come to you in bad condition…This isn’t Dickensian London!”) Had a prayer meeting and cards night with Big Dave, Tilts and John. Caught BARE illicit jokes about epileptics (“they’re the life and soul of the party, you never know what they’re going to do next”) / (“We could use an epileptic as an anti-burglar device and tie it to the outside of the house. Then when it has a fit, the burglar might have pity and call an ambulance - thus thwarting the robbery - or the burglar might still rob the epileptic but be left with a strong sense of guilt afterwards”), housemates’ pooing (“Dave is frequent but harmless…it sounds like a chainsaw revving”) and geo-pathic rays (“magnetism is a fickle mistress”). MURKERY STILL. Saturday I went the White Hart with Tracie, Numchuck Skillz Phil and Jen. Caught jokes about this druggie film the girls had watch(“I would have made them play tug of war with the dildo in their arses and at either end I’d put a brick of heroin. Loser gets shot) and pondered the disappearance of Harold from the Halifax (“I bet he gets nuff women, and he shows them his ‘extended warranty’) Brrrap. Sunday I jammed with Jake for the CU acoustic nite (23rd Oct, be there) then went and did the STITCH challenge at the Cathedral. Was given a letter (B) and had to go find something beginning with it that most summed up Exeter (went with ‘Big Issue’ and got myself a photo with one of the vendors called Lisa - safe) Went student focus @ St Lens, then went onto J-Mac’s party on Priory Road. Got in to find Big Dave had locked himself out of room. Zoop zoop zoop. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 8th, 2006
2:58 am	“I embrace paraplegics whole-heartedly…I pick them up - off the floor - and hug them” Yes ladies and gentlemen I’m back in town, standard catching un-PC jokes like I never left. It’s good to be back in EX4, my new house is QUALITY (hold tight Presi Dave, Crikey Chris and Richie Rich every time) Minimal lectures (still only six hours) which means maximum playtime. I’ve joined Beats & Bass Soc this year (cue bare MC shenanigans at a rave near you!) and obviously am still reppin’ CU hard. Back at St Leonard’s standard. Also I am ‘Head of Interviews’ for a new student magazine called ‘STITCH’ - heavy This week (in short) I went CU on Tuesday then onto a party at Toby’s house. Thurs nite I was at the Exeter Cathedral service then went onto Oli’s PIMP & HO bday party where a I met a cool girl on my course called Ali. Fri night, after the ECU DebSoc debacle, I got locked out of my bedroom door and had to spend £65 on an emergency locksmith - I tried to engage in blokey chit-chat with the rastclaat to blackmail into giving me a reduction but it was to no avail - then went to Firehouse with Tilts, Toby and Paula. Saturday was The Sherv’s 21st which was jokes (except for the part where Joel locked me out) Anyways, this is just a quick update after a dearth of blogs. Service will resume next week with all the freaking hilarious quotes, tomfooleries and minutiae of my daily life. J’Ro is back like crooked crack - brrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaap!!!!!!!! (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
11:04 pm	BOOMERANG 2006, Rectal endoscopies and ‘The Ambassador of Krunk and Jonny’ Last Sunday was roughneck because I played in the church band for the first time in a year. Also, a second year girl from Exeter called Laura (“Not scary, attentive”) has started going to it as well. Banging. Got home and watched Lethal Weapon (8/10) Monday I spent the day round Mum’s nursery. Went to a Boomerang service at Christ Church in the evening. Tuesday I went to The Magdala with Robert. A hectic night because we were joined by his crew including a big fat loud annoying rudegirl called Amy – who I was baiting constantly (“You look like the fat comic book guy from The Simpsons”) - who had just come from chinning and jacking an African man for his cigarettes. I kid you not. When The Magdala closed, we went back to new-best-friend James’ house where he gave me a bum-load of pirate dvds for free. Crashed at Rob’s. Next day I got home and stupidly ripped up my £6.30 travel-card by mistake. Cellotaped it together again and went shopping at Clapham Junction with Mum. Got back and watched a film called ‘Hostel’ (5/10). Also watched a documentary on Stephen Lawrence. In fact, I watched bare stuff on Wednesday cos I fell asleep watching a brilliant new film called ‘The Weather Man’ (9/10) Thursday was a bit uneventful. Went down the nursery in the morning. Went home and waited for a delivery of plants from the garden centre. Then just watched bare South Park. Friday night I rehearsed for Boomerang with the band (led by the increasingly jokes Peter Russell) Saturday, Ben “Guernsey’s No.1 Badminton export” Martin stayed the night round my house. We went to Toby’s BBQ in Edenbridge which was heavy. His whole family look like East End gangsters still. His mates are all safe and his sister is a plonker. Dutty rock. Had a wicked time of fellowship with Ben (basically asked him bare annoying questions about Christianity) and although I had written him off as a wasteman during the year - he licks off Ed Surrey - I grew in greater appreciation of him and his love for God. Had jokes night-time conversation about group showers (“Don’t pretend that you don’t look at other men’s ‘areas’ Ben”) Sunday Ben went to church with Mum and I. Jokesely convinced my friend Wayme that I would “drop a quick freestyle for jokes” for her gospel group. Sent Ben on his way then went home a slept. Rehearsed for band (“I’m not going out til they start chanting my name”), then went straight into The Ministry. Monday > Friday I led and played in the band at Boomerang: Ayers Rock @ Purley Baptist. My other two team leaders were to mature ladies called Jill and Sarah (both from Christ Church) They were brilliant and the children were fab as well (no ghetto yout’). The children bare loved me as well. Tuesday night I watched some greazy film on Film4 called ‘Wolf Creek’ (3/10). I had to watch it with the volume down because bare griminess was going on and I was pranging bare. Wednesday I went round to visit Rob (“You’re a sorry mess”) and caught major jokes with him, G-Man and Tim (“Don’t annoy me or I’ll piss on your head”) chatting about my mum’s nursery (“it’s called ‘Likkle Yute Dem’”), rectal thermometry (“Rob had it daily, on the hour, and he loved it”), rasta’s living next to Camberwell Police Station (“Fast-track innit”) and lying in excrement (“Wasn’t even your own was it Rob? it was Colin’s wasn’t it? the doctors put it there…”). Heavy day, Rob’s granddad was creasing me with: “I’ve lived for seventy odd years without getting a finger up my arse then it happens twice in a week”. Priceless. Thursday afternoon after Boomerang, Nathaniel and I jammed and started to devise some songs for our – impromptu - band ‘The Ambassador of Krunk and Jonny’. Heaviness. Bare just jammed for six hours straight whilst eating tonnes of Victoria sponge cake (“I bare need to go home and poo bruv”). Jokesed about (“My love is like a djembe, cos she’s brown and I beat her”) and then went home and watched ‘The Thing’ (8.5/10) Need to stop listening to ‘Marksman’ by Jammer or I will done someone. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 20th, 2006
12:43 pm	Carla’s wedding, National Front territory and epic drives… I am going to cry like a big girl when the new President T mixtape is in my hands. 100% Fact. Saaaaafe, saw Robert “bad motherf*cker” Crowley on Wednesday. Good times. Flossed down the East Dulwich ghetto looking for trouble (“Look man stop bickering, I’m topless and standing very close to you, people will think we’re a gay couple”) but made do renting ‘Lucky Number Slevin’ (8/10) Afterwards went round to my Grandma’s in Tooting. Uncle Barry came round as well, so basically it was a heavy day. To top it off, ‘Judge Dredd’ was on (8/10) Friday I received my provisional driver’s license in my post, was bare happy. Did some painting at Mum’s nursery then chilled at home for a bit. Went out with some of the Exeter crew [Josie, Matt, Carshalton Mike, Toby, Karis, Laura, Charly and Lucy] to Zizzi’s (“Funny story about Zizzi’s, my mate got his jaw broken here”) in Croydon (“They’ve been carjacked. Simple.”) Big night. Saturday I went to my cousin Carla’s wedding in Charlton. My Uncle Junior (flossing Ciro Citterio suit still) decided to prang me out on the way there by going “Beware, we are entering National Front territory” as we hit Eltham and then showing me the spot where Stephen Lawrence was murdered. The wedding was quality tho > top Jamaican food and music. The groom’s family (who are a white family from some Suffolk farmland area) got into the mood too. I was liberally quaffing Bailey’s and rum & coke, whilst circulating round the family playing the cheekily-endearing card (“Smile luv, this ain’t a mugshot”). Caught prangs from this random rasta chatting bare fraff about us all being Reptiles with three eyes (“Raaaah, I don’t actually know what you’re talking bout but I rate your hair still”). Bare enjoyed myself dancing with the old folk and the ladies when the disco started up (standardly Motown) too. Sunday heralded my ‘prodigal son’ return to Purley Baptist Church. Was good to catch up with the old guard. Managed to get roped into an under-35s vs over-35s footie match that same afternoon (“this should be easy, their osteoporosis is setting in). I was rubbish on pitch but, for no real good reason, very knackered at the end. We won 7-5, and Richie Rich split his eyebrow after colliding with Tim Lane. Blood all over the shop. Went to a hop farm (“If I don’t get bitten again by a hen, then today will have been a good day”) in Kent with Charly (“Charlene”) and Lawyer Matt. Was a quality day, especially as I FINALLY got to watch ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ (9/10) Was a really good time to get to know them both better (“French Tom, sounds like an East London gangster, does he kill people by pushing garlic down their throat”) The night ended with an EPIC drive from Tonbridge Wells > Purley where Matt “illegal street racer” Martin and I got hopelessly lost (“That man just wouldn’t let me go, I said thank you and good bye four times!”), ran out of fuel (“Just use Diesel”) and got flashed by a camera (“It got me on the way up as well”). Started and finished Nick Hornby’s ‘How To Be Good’ (8/10) in one day. Darfur like a Taliban dangargan. Wednesday morn Rev Nodding came round to my Mum’s nursery to bless it. My uncles were present and Nodding really pissed off my Uncle Junior by repeatedly calling him his real name – Bertram. Gave the Rev big jokes when I refused to tell him my political inclinations (“I don’t know if anyone ever told you Rev, but it’s a ‘secret’ Ballot”) I swear listening to bashment makes me shiftless. Quotes OTW: “Move yuh bloodclaat car, ah want me fi reverse it fe yuh? Honestly, how yuh get yuh license, ah buy yuh buy it?” (P13 bus driver) “Yeah, Commander Bizzle’s going to jail…holla at me, yeah, you’ve got bare of my beats on your computer and I want them before you go in the pen. Safe yeah…” (MC Jammer on Kiss FM) “WHO IS IT!!!? It’s not me” (Jammer again) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
5:46 pm	Fifteenth-hand Ferraris, old school Garage nights and getting boyed by my own father… Watched the England – Portugal game @ The Lemmy. It is properly sad all the England fans making flamboyant displays of displeasure: I swear to you, I saw some wasteman stamping on his England flag. There were only ten Portugese fans in the building and I just left quickly before they got rushed and shanked by the hoi polloi. Stayed in for the evening. Sunday was wicked. Straight blessings every day. Went Brethren in the morning. Afterwards I was invited to lunch at Pete and Elizabeth’s. Had a fantastic time, the lunch was tasty and the company was exquisite. In the evening I went to St Leonards (“I’m coming for you Esther. Wherever you are, I’ll be there…or at least very nearby”) Helped Becky move her new furniture (“No the lampshade’s normal size, you’ve just shrunk”) Went with the St Leonards Crew to the local Wetherspoon’s (“In my eyes you are a Goddess, it does help that I am blind”) Everyone left until it was just Guy and Kirsty. We had a really nice and mature conversation. Kirsty came back to mine to collect bare of my food (“You’re gonna spent bare time just straight jamming on the toilet after all this”). Monday morn, I saw Chirps on road for a bit. Got the 12.14 Exeter Central > Waterloo Train. Alighted at Clapham Junction, still. Dad met me, cue bare jokesness. For real, all my Dad does is catch jokes (“Look at that woman’s stomach, she must be at least fifteen stone. Her toilet must bow under the pressure…”) I was actually boyed by own father as we got the train to Purley which is a liberty actually: Me: Dad I haven’t got a ticket! Dad: Unlucky, I have Me: What if there’s inspectors at the other end Dad: Oh well, just walk past them Now I know where I get it from. Saw Mum, I was very very happy. To top off the day, I won a grime DVD off a radio competition. Standardly blessed. As I watched the Italy –Germany game, I was emitting what can only be described as ‘unadulterated squeals of delight’. Two goals in two minutes AND I only watched the last five minutes. The France – Portugal game was very good as well; Zidane is a bad-boy on the pitch. I reckon, Italy are going to win with a goal in the late second half. ‘Large Way’ by President T ft Skepta, has been banging repeatedly on my Hi-Fi this week. I swear every-time I hear a new Skepta lyric I have trouble sleeping for days… Sent off for my provisional license on Thursday. If all goes to plan I will be a bad-boy driver by the end of the year, cruising down Brighton Road looking slick in my fifteenth-hand Ferrari. Went to an old-school Garage night in Croydon with JT, Nyron and Jide which was really cool. When Garage was big (circa 1997-2002) I wasn’t allowed to go to clubs, so I was making up for six years of two-step deprivation (“Oh yeah baby, this my chooooon” – every ten seconds). Highlights were: - Jide getting searched for marijuana before security realised it was his B.O. – I nearly wet myself laughing. - Me going up to MC Plague and saying, “You look bare like my Auntie Pearl” and him just giving me air Bare jokes as always: “You don’t wash and that’s why you always juice ugly girls” (JT to Jide) “Negroes…everywhere…RUN!!!” (Nyron – who is black, so allow it) “That man just touched my bum, we need to get out of here now” (JT) “I rate my racial ambiguity cos I reap all the benefits of being black…er…er…like getting to say ‘nigger’…and…um…that’s about it” (Me) “…so you see guys, racial miscegenation is the way forward” (Me) “No offense Jide but your Mum does look bare like Mike Tyson” (Me) “Can you lot for once just defy stereotype and wear your hoods down?” (Jide) My Mum had her nursery Open Day on Saturday; it went really well. Props to God, naturally. “Every day I hear another MC chat about tools they use/ But I never see them on Murder Blues, the newspaper or BBC News” (MC Skepta) Quotes of the week: “He saw the coach driving away without him, but he didn’t run, no-no, he broke into a fast walk” (Morrissey on Tiltmode, after Just 10) P.S. Zinedine Zidane is a proper badman. That head-butt in the World Cup Final was hench, according to my mate Rob “if he’d done it in the face, he’d be looking at an ABH charge”. Respect. (Comment on this)